Compulsive Heterosexuality with a Dash of Privilege

So I was looking at http://contexts.org/socimages/, another site that I frequent, and one of the recent posts was about internet usage.

This post was based on polls taken about what it is used for, if you could live without it, etc.

30% of users said that the internet is a good place to find a boyfriend/girlfriend.

This got me thinking about all of the online dating sites out there.

I checked 4 different sites out: www.Match.com, www.eharmony.com, www.okcupid.com, and www.chemistry.com.

When you go to the homepage of any of these sites, there is always a section to sign up for the site. When I first saw this, a couple things popped out to me.

The first thing was that at each of these sites, the defaults were automatically set to "Female". Are they implying that women tend to use these sites more often than men? (I will note, however, that statistically, this may be the case, I am not sure). Maybe the implication is that women almost need to use these sites whereas men do not.

The second thing I noticed is that there privilege at work. These sites are set up in binaries. When you sign up, you either have to put female, or male. There is no option for the trans individuals out there who also would like their chance at love.

Chemistry.com is the extreme example of these. Match, eHarmony, and OkCupid all contain pull-down menus (which are still defaulted to female), but Chemistry has the (not sure what to call it) circle option.

The third thing that I noticed is compulsory heterosexuality at work. Each site, regardless of format, is set to "I am Female seeking a Male" or some variation thereof. The most extreme example of this is for eHarmony. While they now have the option for same-sex interests (initially, since they are a Christian based organization, they only had heterosexual interests in mind (they also argued that same-sex relationships do not follow their 29 compatible dimensions)), if you change the "I am a _____" from female to male, the "seeking" menu also changes from male to female.

Next, since we're still looking at privilege. On three of these sites (OkCupid being the exception), bisexuality is not even an option. Here, both hetero- and homosexuality are privileged.

And finally, three of these sites (again with OkCupid being the exception) all require monthly payments to receive their services. Now it is those with expendable income that are privileged.

Just some food for thought on how Adrianne Rich graces us once again with her ideas of Compulsive Heterosexuality.

Heterosexual Privilege (Part 2)

To continue my exploration into the world of heterosexual privilege, I wish to dive even deeper and explore related privileges. (And my references will be focused on a college campus and traditional college-age individuals)

Heterosexuals, as mentioned in the earlier post, have many privileges that the LGBTQ community does not have. In conjunction with the former ones, another privilege that heterosexuals share is the ability to talk about it. Not only talk about it, but it is actually encouraged. How often do you sit down in a public place (the union, a classroom, eateries, etc.) only to overhear the loud and obnoxious talking about a date they had last night, or the rough and wild sex? (And yes, I have heard these conversations)(I will, however, say that I believe it is healthy to talk about sex openly, and that sex is more taboo than it should be, even heterosexual sex). This is something that the LGBTQ community has a much harder time talking about. I know many people who are “ok” with homosexuality…as long as they don’t have to hear about it or see it. So much for being “ok” with it. That’s like me saying, “I accept you for who you are, just don’t talk about it to me”. Silencing someone is one of the worst things you can do.

Perhaps one of the first things when you meet someone that people want to know about is whether or not you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. This leads back to the compulsory heterosexuality mentioned in an earlier blog post. Since I identify as male and masculine, people automatically assume that I am straight. Because of this, the questions asked relate to heterosexuality: “do you have a girlfriend,” “what is your ideal girl,” or “who is the hottest female celebrity?” The list goes on and on. This automatically requires me to do one of two things, either I can lie and keep myself in the closet, or I can come out and risk whatever rejection may come. This is practically a daily occurrence for the LGBTQ community.

Moving on, the next privilege I would like to talk about is that of the coming out process. While not every coming out experience goes horribly wrong, or unbelievably right, inevitably, one will. Every time I (or the rest of the community) come out to someone, my stomach ties itself in knots. Most commonly, or at least the most heard of stories generally start out with “I have something to tell you” or some variation thereof. Immediately after saying these words, 1000s of thoughts rush through my head. These range from embracement, to rejection and every other reaction. While I may seem cool and collected on the outside, inside is a rush of emotions and chaos. There is really no other feeling like it that I have experienced. Coming out, at least for me, is both frightening and exciting. It allows me to be myself with that person for the duration of our relationship.

I feel that this blog is getting a little too long, so it appears there will be a third installment coming in the next couple of days or so, since I feel I have significantly more to say. In the first blog about heterosexual privilege, I made a call at the end. This time, I have an assignment that I believe will yield some interesting reactions for you. To friends you know, to family, call them. Come out to them. Not as something you do not identify as. Come out as yourself. If you’re straight, come out as such, if you’re gay (and comfortable) (notice how I need to add the “and comfortable” to the gay one, but not the straight one), come out as gay to people. However, for the heterosexual people out there, if you use “I have something to tell you”, make sure you pause. Pause for about 10 seconds. Think about the things the LGBTQ community must go through in this 1-20 (the range is much greater, I’m sure) seconds after you say that.

Dial Soap for Men...

So yesterday, I ran out of body wash. While at the store shopping for more, I saw a black bottle with a red label (oh Gendered advertising). It was for Dial - Magnetic. If you're unaware of what this brand is, or claims to do, it is a pheromone enhanced body wash.

Here is a brief rundown of the website:
From that link, you choose one of two areas - "Dial - Magnetic" or "Dial for Men"
If you choose the "Dial-Magnetic" link, you are directed to the second page of that site which asks, "What is your current relationship status?"

The choices are:
1: Utterly Alone
2: Single and Mingle(ing)
3: Hating Dating
4: Relationship Rut
5: Magnetic
Now of course, when you choose one of these options, they do not actually go to different areas. They all lead to the same interactive menu. (I'm wondering if it's just a mini "survey" that Dial uses for some statistic)

So the first message that consumers get when looking at this website is that A) It's wrong to be single (or at least, undesirable)

One of the links, "Magnetic 101", has the second paragraph that states, "We're not saying that our new pheromone enhanced body was will cause you to be attacked by hordes of sex-crazed females, but if that is your end-game, you should consider it a piece of the equation not to be ignored".

When you look at some of the other links, particularly the "How Magnetic Are You? link, you are directed to this message:

Dial for Men Magnetic Attraction Enhancing Body Wash can certainly help you become magnetic, but chemical attraction isn't the only factor. Research has shown time after time that the following factors are of highest importance when a female is choosing her mate: Looks, Personality, Social Status.

So, it seems that the second message that this site is telling us is what Adrianne Rich would refer to as, "Compulsory Heterosexuality". What is compulsory heterosexuality? Basically, it means that people are (for the most part) unconsciously forced into being heterosexual. Nearly every image in nearly every advertisement focuses on heterosexual relationships and attractions. It goes beyond advertising, however. Movies, television shows, family, friends, teachers, etc.; everyone and everything (Aside from the LGBTQ community and its allies) is sending messages that "you're supposed to be straight".

To their credit, the "scientist" explaining the science behind the soap is not the best looking thing on the face of the earth. He actually just seems like the "average" guy. Of course, this is really what advertisers do for males, pick average men, so that they can relate more easily to the product.

Compulsory Heterosexuality at work...

Let me just start by saying that this is not a humorous blog post (so it's not for class). After this class, I intend to change this blog into a blog that focuses more and more on my area of studies and one that I can look back to for inspiration/advice for others.

Having said that:

So I attended the Diversity and Leadership Conference at UW Oshkosh today. I have always been one to admit that I know we all (but even I) have a long way to go when it comes to diversity and understanding.

So the keynote speaker, Brian Johnson (amazing speaker, really) also presented one of the small educational sessions. In this session he told a story. (I don't know all the details, but I'll repeat the story best that I can)

A long time ago, there lived a king and queen in a kingdom by the sea. They lived in their castle with their servants. The only way into the castle was to cross a moat built around it. In the moat, there were man-eating fish. So the only way across it was a boat or the draw bridge.

Guarding the draw bridge was a strong guard. One day, the king told his wife not to leave the castle, and that he would be going on an overnight hunting trip. As he left, he told the guard not to let anyone into the castle, and if he did, there would be extreme consequences to pay.

So the king heads out into the country. That night, the queen leaves the castle covered in a shawl to meet her lover. Upon returning, the guard would not let the queen in. The queen demanded to be let in, for she's the queen of the castle. The guard stood strong.

Frustrated, the queen found a local fisherman who owned a boat. The captain of the boat said that he would ferry the queen over for 1000 gold pieces. The queen did not have that on her, and said to the captain that she could pay him when they arrived on the island. The captain of the boat denied that option.

The queen then went to her lover and begged for the money. The lover refused as well.

Still frustrated, and now angry, the queen went back to the drawbridge and tried to force her way past the guard. The guard after trying to stop her, took out his sword and killed her.


After that story was told. We were divided into groups and told to rank, in order from 1-5 (1 being most responsible, and 5 being least responsible) who is responsible for the queen's death.

(The 5 characters are the king, the queen, the guard, the captain of the boat, and the lover)

While discussing, Brian Johnson was listening to all of our conversations.

As a member of the LGBTQ community, I felt that I was so good and not assuming...and yet...in none of the groups did the possibility come up of the queen's lover being a female. Everyone referred to the lover as "he" or "him". This, along with other sessions, really made me realize that as "advanced" as I thought I was, I still have a LONG way to go.