So I was looking at http://contexts.org/socimages/, another site that I frequent, and one of the recent posts was about internet usage.
This post was based on polls taken about what it is used for, if you could live without it, etc.
30% of users said that the internet is a good place to find a boyfriend/girlfriend.
This got me thinking about all of the online dating sites out there.
I checked 4 different sites out: www.Match.com, www.eharmony.com, www.okcupid.com, and www.chemistry.com.
When you go to the homepage of any of these sites, there is always a section to sign up for the site. When I first saw this, a couple things popped out to me.
The first thing was that at each of these sites, the defaults were automatically set to "Female". Are they implying that women tend to use these sites more often than men? (I will note, however, that statistically, this may be the case, I am not sure). Maybe the implication is that women almost need to use these sites whereas men do not.
The second thing I noticed is that there privilege at work. These sites are set up in binaries. When you sign up, you either have to put female, or male. There is no option for the trans individuals out there who also would like their chance at love.
Chemistry.com is the extreme example of these. Match, eHarmony, and OkCupid all contain pull-down menus (which are still defaulted to female), but Chemistry has the (not sure what to call it) circle option.
The third thing that I noticed is compulsory heterosexuality at work. Each site, regardless of format, is set to "I am Female seeking a Male" or some variation thereof. The most extreme example of this is for eHarmony. While they now have the option for same-sex interests (initially, since they are a Christian based organization, they only had heterosexual interests in mind (they also argued that same-sex relationships do not follow their 29 compatible dimensions)), if you change the "I am a _____" from female to male, the "seeking" menu also changes from male to female.
Next, since we're still looking at privilege. On three of these sites (OkCupid being the exception), bisexuality is not even an option. Here, both hetero- and homosexuality are privileged.
And finally, three of these sites (again with OkCupid being the exception) all require monthly payments to receive their services. Now it is those with expendable income that are privileged.
Just some food for thought on how Adrianne Rich graces us once again with her ideas of Compulsive Heterosexuality.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Maybe Males Need...
Maybe males need to brush up on their science...well, most males. An interesting article from www.cracked.com today is titled "6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off". The title gives a very brief summary as to what the article is about.
I will note, however, that I recognize that this website is a humor website. Having said that, the authors tend to do their research. Through this, and other similar articles, they link to their sources, many of which are news stories about these studies, some are directly linked to the study themselves.
Here are the 6 things that Men do:
6: Talking To Her
5: Acting Interested
4: Dancing
3: Complimenting Her Looks
2: Being Nice
1: Having the Wrong Name
There are a lot of interesting points made in this article and even this list.
A basic summary of each portion:
6: Talking to Her - Basically, the article and the source says that the more attractive a woman is, the male becomes less intelligent, at least in that moment and shortly after. Science attributes this to the fact that females are generally less interested in looks, whereas males are "reproductively focused". This basically means that men are in it to have sex with an attractive female, so they are unable to think as clearly while alone.
5: Acting Interested - This portion says that women enjoy to be ignored. Well, not in those words. Essentially, it's the whole "you want what you can't have" idea, but this one is more of a "you want what doesn't want you". What's really interesting about this section is that the dating site, OkCupid did a study and realized that men who had profile pictures of themselves were contacted 50% more often if the profile picture was of them NOT looking directly at the camera.
4: Dancing - If you're a good dancer, you're more likely to get a woman according to this study. This idea behind this is that subconsciously, a good dancer, to a woman, shows signs of being a good mating partner. The idea is that a good dancer will have high levels of testosterone.
3: Complimenting Her Looks - This one states that men were rejected more often if they used words like beautiful, glamorous, gorgeous, and other similar words. What did work, was acting interested, not in her, but in her hobbies and pastime activities.
2: Being Nice - Guys, if you want a girl, be the bad guy, at least according to this study. There are three areas that attract a girl to the "bad boy" idea (the study called this the Dark Traid)
- Exploitation
- Callous Behavior
- Self-Obsession
However, the study also notes that while women are inherently attracted to the bad boy, the bad boy also tends to make bade life partners. So...score one for us good guys!
1: Having the Wrong Name - If you're a male, and your name is Michale, James, or David, you can consider yourself lucky. Those three names are the luckiest, most successful, and wealthiest names for men. "Apparently, your first name can drastically influence how successful you are and, yes, even how attractive people think you are."
The best part about reading this article is realizing just how men act. Even at the local bars, college students do these things all of the time. They might as well carry a checklist with the 6 on a card...after an hour, they could probably withdraw themselves from any of the categories; and, if the article is 100% correct, withdraw themselves from any potential sexual encounter that night.
I will note, however, that I recognize that this website is a humor website. Having said that, the authors tend to do their research. Through this, and other similar articles, they link to their sources, many of which are news stories about these studies, some are directly linked to the study themselves.
Here are the 6 things that Men do:
6: Talking To Her
5: Acting Interested
4: Dancing
3: Complimenting Her Looks
2: Being Nice
1: Having the Wrong Name
There are a lot of interesting points made in this article and even this list.
A basic summary of each portion:
6: Talking to Her - Basically, the article and the source says that the more attractive a woman is, the male becomes less intelligent, at least in that moment and shortly after. Science attributes this to the fact that females are generally less interested in looks, whereas males are "reproductively focused". This basically means that men are in it to have sex with an attractive female, so they are unable to think as clearly while alone.
5: Acting Interested - This portion says that women enjoy to be ignored. Well, not in those words. Essentially, it's the whole "you want what you can't have" idea, but this one is more of a "you want what doesn't want you". What's really interesting about this section is that the dating site, OkCupid did a study and realized that men who had profile pictures of themselves were contacted 50% more often if the profile picture was of them NOT looking directly at the camera.
4: Dancing - If you're a good dancer, you're more likely to get a woman according to this study. This idea behind this is that subconsciously, a good dancer, to a woman, shows signs of being a good mating partner. The idea is that a good dancer will have high levels of testosterone.
3: Complimenting Her Looks - This one states that men were rejected more often if they used words like beautiful, glamorous, gorgeous, and other similar words. What did work, was acting interested, not in her, but in her hobbies and pastime activities.
2: Being Nice - Guys, if you want a girl, be the bad guy, at least according to this study. There are three areas that attract a girl to the "bad boy" idea (the study called this the Dark Traid)
- Exploitation
- Callous Behavior
- Self-Obsession
However, the study also notes that while women are inherently attracted to the bad boy, the bad boy also tends to make bade life partners. So...score one for us good guys!
1: Having the Wrong Name - If you're a male, and your name is Michale, James, or David, you can consider yourself lucky. Those three names are the luckiest, most successful, and wealthiest names for men. "Apparently, your first name can drastically influence how successful you are and, yes, even how attractive people think you are."
The best part about reading this article is realizing just how men act. Even at the local bars, college students do these things all of the time. They might as well carry a checklist with the 6 on a card...after an hour, they could probably withdraw themselves from any of the categories; and, if the article is 100% correct, withdraw themselves from any potential sexual encounter that night.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Teeny Weeny Condoms
Yet again, Feministing has supplied me with a wonderful blog topic. A Switzerland-based company is manufacturing small condoms targeted at boys from 12-14 years of age. This couldn't have come at a better time, since this next weeks discussion topic is sexuality.
I have mixed feelings on this issue.
I feel that it is important that boys this young who choose to have sex have the option of condoms that fit them and will work properly for their size.
However, I also feel that doing this encourages sex at that age. Perhaps it is hypocritical of me to say that while I would not encourage sex at that age, I find it interesting that people that young are engaging in sex and exploring their sexuality.
This article notes that the age of consent for Switzerland is 16; however, it also notes that "sex between minors is perfectly legal as long as they are not more than three years apart in age". I think that this is a very interesting law, one that America should consider adopting. I think that the laws need to change with the times; and time are changing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to have sex with a minor, but I feel that at age 16, I was informed enough about sex to consent.
Also, I heard that last year at my middle school a party was busted at a house of a student. What was going on? Sex, drugs, and alcohol! This is MIDDLE school, and they got busted for a sex party (along with drugs and alcohol). I also heard of (from my school) an incident where a boyfriend was caught receiving a blowjob from his girlfriend in the woods next to our school! As I said earlier, I encourage people to explore their sexuality, but not at school!
Even reading this post, I'm sure I sound very conflicted on the subject. My writing is kind of all over the place. But this is what happens after a weekend of relatively little sleep, or at least late nights.
I have mixed feelings on this issue.
I feel that it is important that boys this young who choose to have sex have the option of condoms that fit them and will work properly for their size.
However, I also feel that doing this encourages sex at that age. Perhaps it is hypocritical of me to say that while I would not encourage sex at that age, I find it interesting that people that young are engaging in sex and exploring their sexuality.
This article notes that the age of consent for Switzerland is 16; however, it also notes that "sex between minors is perfectly legal as long as they are not more than three years apart in age". I think that this is a very interesting law, one that America should consider adopting. I think that the laws need to change with the times; and time are changing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want to have sex with a minor, but I feel that at age 16, I was informed enough about sex to consent. Also, I heard that last year at my middle school a party was busted at a house of a student. What was going on? Sex, drugs, and alcohol! This is MIDDLE school, and they got busted for a sex party (along with drugs and alcohol). I also heard of (from my school) an incident where a boyfriend was caught receiving a blowjob from his girlfriend in the woods next to our school! As I said earlier, I encourage people to explore their sexuality, but not at school!
Even reading this post, I'm sure I sound very conflicted on the subject. My writing is kind of all over the place. But this is what happens after a weekend of relatively little sleep, or at least late nights.
Friday, March 12, 2010
A Sad and Disturbing Bar Incident
While perusing www.feministing.com, I came across this article. To summarize it, a female was brutally beaten in a bathroom in a bar after refusing advances from a guy.
The results were a broken eye-socket, shattered jaw, and other injuries.
Pictured on Left: Attacker
What implications does this have on society?
Well, unfortunately, this means that it is even more important for women to go to the bathroom in pairs. I say unfortunately because this should NOT have to happen. Women, as well as men, should feel safe wherever they go; we know, however, that this is not the case.
I can't even think what went through the mind of the guy who did this.
It's unfortunate that someone cannot take rejection. And just looking at the guy, I would have rejected him too!
The results were a broken eye-socket, shattered jaw, and other injuries. Pictured on Left: Attacker
What implications does this have on society?
Well, unfortunately, this means that it is even more important for women to go to the bathroom in pairs. I say unfortunately because this should NOT have to happen. Women, as well as men, should feel safe wherever they go; we know, however, that this is not the case.
I can't even think what went through the mind of the guy who did this.
It's unfortunate that someone cannot take rejection. And just looking at the guy, I would have rejected him too!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Heterosexual Privilege (Part 2)
To continue my exploration into the world of heterosexual privilege, I wish to dive even deeper and explore related privileges. (And my references will be focused on a college campus and traditional college-age individuals)
Heterosexuals, as mentioned in the earlier post, have many privileges that the LGBTQ community does not have. In conjunction with the former ones, another privilege that heterosexuals share is the ability to talk about it. Not only talk about it, but it is actually encouraged. How often do you sit down in a public place (the union, a classroom, eateries, etc.) only to overhear the loud and obnoxious talking about a date they had last night, or the rough and wild sex? (And yes, I have heard these conversations)(I will, however, say that I believe it is healthy to talk about sex openly, and that sex is more taboo than it should be, even heterosexual sex). This is something that the LGBTQ community has a much harder time talking about. I know many people who are “ok” with homosexuality…as long as they don’t have to hear about it or see it. So much for being “ok” with it. That’s like me saying, “I accept you for who you are, just don’t talk about it to me”. Silencing someone is one of the worst things you can do.
Perhaps one of the first things when you meet someone that people want to know about is whether or not you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. This leads back to the compulsory heterosexuality mentioned in an earlier blog post. Since I identify as male and masculine, people automatically assume that I am straight. Because of this, the questions asked relate to heterosexuality: “do you have a girlfriend,” “what is your ideal girl,” or “who is the hottest female celebrity?” The list goes on and on. This automatically requires me to do one of two things, either I can lie and keep myself in the closet, or I can come out and risk whatever rejection may come. This is practically a daily occurrence for the LGBTQ community.
Moving on, the next privilege I would like to talk about is that of the coming out process. While not every coming out experience goes horribly wrong, or unbelievably right, inevitably, one will. Every time I (or the rest of the community) come out to someone, my stomach ties itself in knots. Most commonly, or at least the most heard of stories generally start out with “I have something to tell you” or some variation thereof. Immediately after saying these words, 1000s of thoughts rush through my head. These range from embracement, to rejection and every other reaction. While I may seem cool and collected on the outside, inside is a rush of emotions and chaos. There is really no other feeling like it that I have experienced. Coming out, at least for me, is both frightening and exciting. It allows me to be myself with that person for the duration of our relationship.
I feel that this blog is getting a little too long, so it appears there will be a third installment coming in the next couple of days or so, since I feel I have significantly more to say. In the first blog about heterosexual privilege, I made a call at the end. This time, I have an assignment that I believe will yield some interesting reactions for you. To friends you know, to family, call them. Come out to them. Not as something you do not identify as. Come out as yourself. If you’re straight, come out as such, if you’re gay (and comfortable) (notice how I need to add the “and comfortable” to the gay one, but not the straight one), come out as gay to people. However, for the heterosexual people out there, if you use “I have something to tell you”, make sure you pause. Pause for about 10 seconds. Think about the things the LGBTQ community must go through in this 1-20 (the range is much greater, I’m sure) seconds after you say that.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Heterosexual Privilege
Walking through campus here at UW Oshkosh (and I am sure on nearly any other campus across the United States, or, in all reality, nearly every city in the United States) on notices an incredible amount of public displays of affection (PDA).
Really, it's rather sickening. Of all of the privileges I have (unfortunately they exist) as a white male, I also lack many as a (mostly) gay male (a 5 on the Kinsey scale). For the short durations of my relationships, if I were to even consider holding my boyfriend's hand, that could get me in a world of hurt. While UW Oshkosh is relatively liberal compared to some schools, there are still those that feel threatened by same-sex couples; some feel so threatened that they would even revert to violence. This is, sadly, not an unheard of event on our campus, nor many others. Just a couple years ago when the civil union vote was on the ballot, a friend of mine was literally chased through campus, just for being gay.
While I found out about that only after I came out, in hindsight, I both reveled and hated the fact that I was not out. Reveled because I was safe, hated myself for not being out because, A) I was not being true to myself, and B) I am a tough guy, and I can handle myself, as well as stick up for others. But this leads us back to that big question about heterosexual privilege. The LGBTQ community lacks so much of this wonderful privilege granted to the straight community.
PDA, is the biggest example of this privilege. Any heterosexual couple can gladly walk down the street holding hands, stopping to kiss each other, or flirting with each other without skipping a beat. Change one of those sexes to match the sex of the other, and you're in a whole new ball park. People stare. Being in that situation, most certainly, you feel uncomfortable. Aside from that, at times, you can even feel fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of emotional scars, fear of being attacked. These feelings are generally unknown to heterosexual couples. This in and of itself is a privilege, not having to feel these terrible emotions on a practically day-to-day basis. While there are SAFE (Student and Faculty for Equality) zones across our campus, not every campus has this.
Here is another example of privilege. This can be in high school, it can be in middle school, and yes, it can even exist in college. Anytime there is a dance, be it in a bar, in a school gymnasium, or in a second-party location, there is more and more heterosexual privilege being used. God forbid that I bring my (non-existent) boyfriend to one of these dances. If we danced how we would at a gay club in public like that! We would be shunned, ridiculed, or even worse, attacked. Again, there is a fear factor.
I will say this, however. There is a privilege that the Queer community has that the heterosexual community does not. And that privilege is a community. While some may argue that there is a straight community (and in many ways, there is) it is certainly different than the Queer community. Within the queer community, there is just sheer acceptance (although this is far from the truth in the great Queer community, the Queer community at Oshkosh is different, heck, maybe even unique). I heave met some of the best people, just by being a member. Coming from all walks of life, and each having their own identities provides the community with a unity that the heterosexual community does not have. It is a unity that can only happen with a relatively small group of people. It's indescribable.
I have a statement to make to end this blog post.
For those who will boldly stand out in a crowd (I am now this way, but was not always), I applaud you, and will stand by your side. For those of you who are not comfortable doing that, but are comfortable being out, I will stand by your side. And most importantly, for those of you still in the closet, I will always stand by your side. I understand that there is safety in the closet, trust me, I do. But I want you to understand this; while there may be struggles and hardships coming out, there is always a place for you in our community. I was once in the closet, and I will never go back in, regardless of how much privilege I would regain. I encourage you to find someone who you know will accept you, come out to them! If you cannot find anyone, e-mail me! I will support you in every way I know how to. (e-mail is rojaha54@gmail.com). This statement goes out to everyone. Come out as a straight ally, come out as a Gender Anarchist! Come out as Sex Positive! (Thank you Kate Bornstein). Just, "come out, come out, where ever you are!"
Really, it's rather sickening. Of all of the privileges I have (unfortunately they exist) as a white male, I also lack many as a (mostly) gay male (a 5 on the Kinsey scale). For the short durations of my relationships, if I were to even consider holding my boyfriend's hand, that could get me in a world of hurt. While UW Oshkosh is relatively liberal compared to some schools, there are still those that feel threatened by same-sex couples; some feel so threatened that they would even revert to violence. This is, sadly, not an unheard of event on our campus, nor many others. Just a couple years ago when the civil union vote was on the ballot, a friend of mine was literally chased through campus, just for being gay.
While I found out about that only after I came out, in hindsight, I both reveled and hated the fact that I was not out. Reveled because I was safe, hated myself for not being out because, A) I was not being true to myself, and B) I am a tough guy, and I can handle myself, as well as stick up for others. But this leads us back to that big question about heterosexual privilege. The LGBTQ community lacks so much of this wonderful privilege granted to the straight community.
PDA, is the biggest example of this privilege. Any heterosexual couple can gladly walk down the street holding hands, stopping to kiss each other, or flirting with each other without skipping a beat. Change one of those sexes to match the sex of the other, and you're in a whole new ball park. People stare. Being in that situation, most certainly, you feel uncomfortable. Aside from that, at times, you can even feel fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of emotional scars, fear of being attacked. These feelings are generally unknown to heterosexual couples. This in and of itself is a privilege, not having to feel these terrible emotions on a practically day-to-day basis. While there are SAFE (Student and Faculty for Equality) zones across our campus, not every campus has this.
Here is another example of privilege. This can be in high school, it can be in middle school, and yes, it can even exist in college. Anytime there is a dance, be it in a bar, in a school gymnasium, or in a second-party location, there is more and more heterosexual privilege being used. God forbid that I bring my (non-existent) boyfriend to one of these dances. If we danced how we would at a gay club in public like that! We would be shunned, ridiculed, or even worse, attacked. Again, there is a fear factor.
I will say this, however. There is a privilege that the Queer community has that the heterosexual community does not. And that privilege is a community. While some may argue that there is a straight community (and in many ways, there is) it is certainly different than the Queer community. Within the queer community, there is just sheer acceptance (although this is far from the truth in the great Queer community, the Queer community at Oshkosh is different, heck, maybe even unique). I heave met some of the best people, just by being a member. Coming from all walks of life, and each having their own identities provides the community with a unity that the heterosexual community does not have. It is a unity that can only happen with a relatively small group of people. It's indescribable.
I have a statement to make to end this blog post.
For those who will boldly stand out in a crowd (I am now this way, but was not always), I applaud you, and will stand by your side. For those of you who are not comfortable doing that, but are comfortable being out, I will stand by your side. And most importantly, for those of you still in the closet, I will always stand by your side. I understand that there is safety in the closet, trust me, I do. But I want you to understand this; while there may be struggles and hardships coming out, there is always a place for you in our community. I was once in the closet, and I will never go back in, regardless of how much privilege I would regain. I encourage you to find someone who you know will accept you, come out to them! If you cannot find anyone, e-mail me! I will support you in every way I know how to. (e-mail is rojaha54@gmail.com). This statement goes out to everyone. Come out as a straight ally, come out as a Gender Anarchist! Come out as Sex Positive! (Thank you Kate Bornstein). Just, "come out, come out, where ever you are!"
Monday, March 1, 2010
Dial Soap for Men...
So yesterday, I ran out of body wash. While at the store shopping for more, I saw a black bottle with a red label (oh Gendered advertising). It was for Dial - Magnetic. If you're unaware of what this brand is, or claims to do, it is a pheromone enhanced body wash.
Here is a brief rundown of the website:
From that link, you choose one of two areas - "Dial - Magnetic" or "Dial for Men"
If you choose the "Dial-Magnetic" link, you are directed to the second page of that site which asks, "What is your current relationship status?"
The choices are:
1: Utterly Alone
2: Single and Mingle(ing)
3: Hating Dating
4: Relationship Rut
5: Magnetic
Now of course, when you choose one of these options, they do not actually go to different areas. They all lead to the same interactive menu. (I'm wondering if it's just a mini "survey" that Dial uses for some statistic)
So the first message that consumers get when looking at this website is that A) It's wrong to be single (or at least, undesirable)
One of the links, "Magnetic 101", has the second paragraph that states, "We're not saying that our new pheromone enhanced body was will cause you to be attacked by hordes of sex-crazed females, but if that is your end-game, you should consider it a piece of the equation not to be ignored".
When you look at some of the other links, particularly the "How Magnetic Are You? link, you are directed to this message:
Dial for Men Magnetic Attraction Enhancing Body Wash can certainly help you become magnetic, but chemical attraction isn't the only factor. Research has shown time after time that the following factors are of highest importance when a female is choosing her mate: Looks, Personality, Social Status.
So, it seems that the second message that this site is telling us is what Adrianne Rich would refer to as, "Compulsory Heterosexuality". What is compulsory heterosexuality? Basically, it means that people are (for the most part) unconsciously forced into being heterosexual. Nearly every image in nearly every advertisement focuses on heterosexual relationships and attractions. It goes beyond advertising, however. Movies, television shows, family, friends, teachers, etc.; everyone and everything (Aside from the LGBTQ community and its allies) is sending messages that "you're supposed to be straight".
To their credit, the "scientist" explaining the science behind the soap is not the best looking thing on the face of the earth. He actually just seems like the "average" guy. Of course, this is really what advertisers do for males, pick average men, so that they can relate more easily to the product.
Here is a brief rundown of the website:
From that link, you choose one of two areas - "Dial - Magnetic" or "Dial for Men"
If you choose the "Dial-Magnetic" link, you are directed to the second page of that site which asks, "What is your current relationship status?"
The choices are:
1: Utterly Alone
2: Single and Mingle(ing)
3: Hating Dating
4: Relationship Rut
5: Magnetic
Now of course, when you choose one of these options, they do not actually go to different areas. They all lead to the same interactive menu. (I'm wondering if it's just a mini "survey" that Dial uses for some statistic)
So the first message that consumers get when looking at this website is that A) It's wrong to be single (or at least, undesirable)
One of the links, "Magnetic 101", has the second paragraph that states, "We're not saying that our new pheromone enhanced body was will cause you to be attacked by hordes of sex-crazed females, but if that is your end-game, you should consider it a piece of the equation not to be ignored".
When you look at some of the other links, particularly the "How Magnetic Are You? link, you are directed to this message:
Dial for Men Magnetic Attraction Enhancing Body Wash can certainly help you become magnetic, but chemical attraction isn't the only factor. Research has shown time after time that the following factors are of highest importance when a female is choosing her mate: Looks, Personality, Social Status.
So, it seems that the second message that this site is telling us is what Adrianne Rich would refer to as, "Compulsory Heterosexuality". What is compulsory heterosexuality? Basically, it means that people are (for the most part) unconsciously forced into being heterosexual. Nearly every image in nearly every advertisement focuses on heterosexual relationships and attractions. It goes beyond advertising, however. Movies, television shows, family, friends, teachers, etc.; everyone and everything (Aside from the LGBTQ community and its allies) is sending messages that "you're supposed to be straight".
To their credit, the "scientist" explaining the science behind the soap is not the best looking thing on the face of the earth. He actually just seems like the "average" guy. Of course, this is really what advertisers do for males, pick average men, so that they can relate more easily to the product.
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